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To be home

A quiet village, it wasn't somewhere where epic heroes lives or where yells would cry of great deeds that had been won. Of course we would still hear things of what had happened, like the winning of Argus and the arrival of new strange allies. That was the way of the pandaren of this isle, it was quaint and it was nice. You couldn't really complain, with the monk school new races was not a strange sight, coming here to train and learn new wisdom and new ways. The village was not far from the temple, but it wasn't really often students would come by, not that I minded, I liked the peace and quiet and not too many wondering eyes of why a elf family was now living on this isle. The locals had asked their questions a long time ago and was we were now a part of the idyllic picture, in the simple frame.

Often would we get visits from locals, maybe mostly because my partner was starting to be a pretty decent brewer, but with his background he was bringing new tastes to the isle and it lured in the locals, to get a drink and a talk. I admit that normally I didn't like strangers barging in, but who can say no to a friendly pandaren that also brings along a gift for the host... or hostess. 
Farmer He was maybe the one that paid the most visits, and I have to say that his vegetables are some of the best I have ever tasted. He would bring along a small crate with some of his crops and in return he would get a bottle of Renuath's finest. If he came on a good day he would get a taste of a new taste. The wife of farmer He, the kind hearted Ji-min, would often come along as well. He has pretty much taught be everything I needed to know of the isle, how to live and how to use the lands, recipes and the like. I think, I might have made her stew a couple of times too many, but it's simply devine and with kimchi it's the best.

After I got my children it was easy to settle down here, and I do not need to be worried of invaders and the like, at least not for a long while and even if some came, this isle would likely be one of the last places that would be hit. Though when Argus came into sight, I was worried, I was scared, of what would become of us all. I was scared to loose the little life I had made, my partner and my children. I had to fight. So when turning to Ashenvale, to hear of the armies that rather would be home to defend the homelands, I felt disgusted, while they looked at me as if I had gotten more insane than normal, going to a planet to fight demons.

Maybe I was gotten a bit more insane, after the scare of seeing that green, foul planet. But going there, fighting, it made me feel I was doing a difference. And I hope I was.

Now... The foul planet is gone and I am home again, tending these moonberry bushes. We have big plans on making jam and exciting new brew for everyone, we home that they will like the taste from our homeland. Jin and Chiasa is getting so big as well, I am sad that I had to be away for so long, I hope that in they will understand when they get older, but they will likely also have to make choices like that as well, and then I would be the one left behind.
Silence gets over me sometimes, it hasn't even been a week yet since the training on Teldrassil, but it feels like ages. It kept gnawing at me, the whole thing, but it was better that I was here, not being a panicked liability to everyone, and then I can't get further down the ladder. I were at many missions against the demons, stuck on an abandoned demon ship and... 
Weren't I? I were... But others were too and others has done more than me, of course, I'm no saint. I'm just one elf, but I were at more missions than some, weren't I? When trying to count on my fingers and remembering names, I feel so pathetic and stop myself. People are busy, hence why there has not been any reply and Thondalar is liking thinking I need the time to calm my mind and not be thinking of stressful things.
I'm not good at calming myself like this, then it helps to have Renuath around, and the children. They make me think differently, so my mind doesn't get time to spiral into dark thoughts.

But a letter back would be nice.. where they are.. what the plan is.. if anyone is safe...
Trying to pull myself out of that pattern of thinking is hard, but they are better soldiers than I am, better healers, more sane. 

"Zwill Dreamdrop!"

Alert, right away, it was an unknown voice and getting up on my feet I was met by this very old, very grumpy looking druid, he did not at all look pleased as he stepped over our low stone wall and bowed his head at me. I bowed back by instinct, but seeing another druid here was not a sight I was used to at all. 
He introduced himself Therion Leafwind, from Desolace. I felt without words for a tine as he then spoke more, telling that he was sent by this young druid, Thondalar Something, apparently he didn't bother too much with names. Handing over a letter to her, which sent a trembling through her. 
Time was suddenly still, looking at the letter for a long time, sounds even dulled away. But I was soon pulled back to reality again as he told he was being promised a meal. Renuath would had been great now, but he was away on some mission himself. All I could do was to take the kids and smile at him, invite him inside and hope that things didn't look too messy inside. 

Luckily druids are often messy heads and when fed, you can soothe even the mostly grumpy of bear, or talon, as this druid was. I felt lucky that I had some leftovers and the druid seemed to get a bit less grumpy as he was fed. He didn't chatter much and I was a bit pleased about that, feeding my two rascals that had suddenly become hungry as well, blabbing to one another. He left again, showing himself out. I felt so relieved, looking at the letter, but I couldn't read it right away, I needed to be there for Jin and Chiasa first, then see if I had time later. But it sure is nice to finally get word. I do miss them all.

Awwwww! So this is what she's been up to. It's always awesome to see the contrast of our chars' peaceful home lives with the chaos of war--we never really get to see the former, much, do we?

.. Warm... Compassionate...

Remembered me like that... 

The letter got more or less crushed in my trembling hands, I knew he meant well, but this was why I didn't like talking with Thondalar about my.. problems.. issues.. But he made me feel like I had no clue about anything, that I was only a child that needed to be taught about feelings and emotions and... He didn't know anything, he was so... so...

What was he... Healer for the Unbroken, now having the right to declare a leader unfit, in the case of mental disfunction... or what to say.. Bixi too... But it was specified, it doesn't count me.. why should it anyways, after that training where I tried to get everyone killed... Maybe I should be declared mentally unfit. But these words! Warm and compassionate! what did he mean, it weren't like we often got into situation where people would be social, they were few and I heard more often that we needed to be professional. What was I going to use this letter for? Didn't he think that I had been trying to get over my fear? It's not just something you just do... Or is it? What could I do more, I was already getting comments at the bath house that I was going there so often and people was starting to look at me weird because I was just sitting by the edge of the pool, far away from everyone. 
It made me feel even more like a looser, a whimp...

It makes me so frustrated, knowing that they are all fighting and I'm sitting here, doing nothing at all, just being a good elf and... and nothing. I cook and clean, even my feline has let me know that she is concerned, and my owl, normally she is silent, but she offered to take me for a long fly, teach me nw things. She doesn't do that. Stag is still his observant self, telling me to be patient and calm, that things will sort itself out.
I'm glad I had them in my mind, otherwise I would turn completely bonkers. 

But why... Nothing I do never matters, why am I always on the line? The edge... Ready to get tossed away... I even went to Pandaria with Chufu, getting my anger under control, and I did. Did it help on anything... It doesn't feel like it, I'm still seen as this.. unstable.. unfit... unruly... cold... brat... What am I supposed to do? The slightest little step in the wrong direction and I get lashed on, it's not any of the others has that threat hanging over their heads.

I wanted to cry, I didn't feel anger, I just felt sad, left behind. But how could I blame them, fighting naga, fighting evil, doing a difference, while I just sit here, eating, drinking, listening to chatter from happy farmers and tradesmen. I should just shut up, shut the fuck up. I have no right to think all these thoughts, no right at all.

But the visit to Dalaran was stupid, I shouldn't have gone, seeing a flash of miss Winter and Autumnsky, and then gone. I shouldn't have left the note in the bar, pathetic. I am so pathetic.. "See me, see me"... What the hell, no wonder no one cares for such a looser like me, desperate and clingy. I wish I could be more like I was.. but i don't remember at all how I were, I don't remember that picture at all how people speak of me.. Why am i not seen as warm now? Or compassionate... Am I really so horrible to be near? What's wrong with me...

The letter got torn and then thrown into the wind, carried away, at least some of it.

Awww nooo! *hugs her* Poor Zwill. Lovely written though! It would have been so nice if we IC knew some of her inner thoughts too <3

Finally something else on my mind, Renuath is always good like that, also that he takes time to spoil me on bed, with breakfast and such. But finally doing something... productive and getting out feels good. So him asking me to get go on a mission with him to find some.. person, it's great. I hope though that the others are alright, my mind is exploding with thoughts and I don't like it. Farmer He's wife was to nice to take the children, or more like, eager to push me out the door so she could spoil the kids and give them chubby cheeks, as she says. She's good like that, it gives me some hours to roam. I have a feeling that she is missing her own children, as far as I know the all three of them are grown up and on their own adventures in the new world. She doesn't seem to happy about that, she rather see them home on the farm I think, helping out their father, even though he seems to have no struggles yet to take care of what needs to be done. It leaves a smile on my face, having neighbors like that, helping out like that, it's not something I am used to, but it is easier to accept now, and let it happen. 

The familiar feeling of the Dreamway makes me a bit more at ease, it was nice to have this half easy way to get around in the world, but for a long time I haven't really been able to choose where to go, so often I go to the Dreamgrove, not that there is a lot to talk with there, or, there is, but I am not so fond with talking with all those fancy druids and their traditional ways. I felt... out of place with them, but they still gave me the acknowledging nod, like I gave them. Missions was getting fewer and people seemed a bit more with ease, even though the new allies of the void elves seemed to worry some of the druids, even some of those from the horde. I am not sure what to think of them, it's not like they asked to be a part of the Alliance, I am sure if they could, they would rather go back to their homes and study, but now they are in a place that most likely act hostile towards them, past enemies, but now meddling with something that people has been taught to be vary off. 
The world is an odd place, it really is, alliances and the like, I find it easier to just listen and get the best out of things. I know I don't often act that way, having to watch a person, study them before I make the judgement if I can trust them enough to let them a bit closer. Part of this made me hate myself, I wish i could accept people quicker, I am sure it would make things easier as well and people wouldn't look down on me. But my mind wouldn't let me, meeting a new person often made my mind go berserk, telling me to take care, watch out and not let the person know anything of me. After a few meetings with the person I would normally warm a bit up, my mind being calm on me, not telling me to be as wary. 

Even in the Dreamgrove my mind goes back to the Unbroken, wondering if they were in Dalaran, or on some mission. Knowing Moonflame then they likely would be on missions, half dead somewhere, fighting their hearts out. I hope that they aren't trapped somewhere, by naga's or maybe someone else. Would anyone even know if they were, I guess I would maybe, if I went back to Dalaran and they hadn't returned, I don't think the barkeep would keep that from me.

A long sigh, then shaking my head, I did that to shake my thoughts out of my head and then I returned to the Dreamway, walking around again, pacing. I didn't really see where I went, I just walked around. Somehow things was calmer here and it was easier to just think about... grass, a twig, watching it. The not so good thing was that time sometimes passed way to fast, hence why some druids loose track of time, I'm one of them, sadly. But I am getting better to get back to the world and back to the right time, getting focus back.

At home the kids was having such a good time, getting fed and hanging a bit tired in their chairs, they were happy to see me and Sung, the wife of farmer He, talked and talked of what they had done of little things, laughing and eating. They pulled my curly hair as I held them, it was easier now to pick up them both. Sung said her goodbyes after cleaning and chatting some more, he was a really good women, Jin and Chiasa falling asleep in my arms, it gave me so much comfort, hearing their tiny breaths. Ren would likely be home soon as well, from brewing or where he had been gone off too. 


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